The new beginning from an old ending
This week has been a busy one. I have gotten into contact with my family on my dads side, which has been a nice experience for me. I have learned a lot of things about my biological father's side of the family. They are what I portray as kind and humble people.
I hadn't seen my grandfather in about 17 years and when I saw him I hardly recognized him. He didn't look like the same man I saw when I was 7. I was always told that he was not a very nice man and he was rough and not interested in talking with me. But after finding out more about him, I wanted to talk, but of course I was hesitant. I thought to myself, will he want to talk, will he remember me, will he care?
When I visited him he seemed to care, I was very cautious to not say anything stupid and to try to get to know him. I went to lunch with him, his wife and my husband. We then went to the beach for a bit. I learned that my grandfather is a very interesting man and that my family is pretty screwed up. :P
I have always had this abandonment issue stemming from my father since early childhood. My parent's divorced when I was around 6 and my mom got remarried and I got adopted by my now dad. When my father never wanted to see me or talk to me, I always felt hurt, I was his daughter and I loved him. But over a course of years I began to have hatred in my heart and mixed emotions and not knowing what to do, not knowing who I am, I felt alone. 10 years after I last saw him, I got to go meet him in Germany and got to know him a bit better. This trip didn't go as planned, he got so mad at me and when I asked to see him one last time before I went back to the states, he said "I'll think about it." and slammed the phone in my ear. It has been 7 years since I have seen or heard from him and many years since he has talked to any of his family. He has always been a secretive type, and never has let anyone in. I myself refuse to be like that, I do not want to end up like him, not talking to my family, being alone, it doesn't sound like a good life.
I know that there is life after divorce, but when you are a child of a divorce, you hope that your parents would get back together. But I knew early in life that it wouldn't happen. I had hoped for him to at least try and keep in contact with me and I guess for me to be the special child, the one and only. But as I had found out from my grandfather, I have a little sister, she isn't full blood, but she still shares some of the same DNA, so she is my sister. I don't know any details, age, name, where she is etc. When I heard the news my first reaction was I wanted to cry because I felt abandoned, that he didn't want me so he had a replacement child. I know this isn't the case, but it is how I felt, I mean how does someone feel when that happens? I definitely hurt me and what hurt me worse is my grandmother didn't tell me. It isn't just my father who is secretive, it seems to be my whole family. This is why I feel I am such an open person. I don't want a family that is screwed up, I don't want to be secretive to everyone, I want everyone to know me for who I am, not what I came from.
One day I would love to meet this little girl and if she has the same problems I have, I would love to help her understand that everything will be fine. And if he is raising her, and giving her all his love then I hope she feels loved and I hope she is raised right, but I will never know. I feel like I will never know her and I will ever again see my father. But there is something I can do, I can make a positive out of all these negatives. I can live my life, knowing where I cam from, except it and learn and grow. I can raise a good family and never leave them, always be there for them and give them the love they need, and to always keep family close above all else.
I hadn't seen my grandfather in about 17 years and when I saw him I hardly recognized him. He didn't look like the same man I saw when I was 7. I was always told that he was not a very nice man and he was rough and not interested in talking with me. But after finding out more about him, I wanted to talk, but of course I was hesitant. I thought to myself, will he want to talk, will he remember me, will he care?
When I visited him he seemed to care, I was very cautious to not say anything stupid and to try to get to know him. I went to lunch with him, his wife and my husband. We then went to the beach for a bit. I learned that my grandfather is a very interesting man and that my family is pretty screwed up. :P
I have always had this abandonment issue stemming from my father since early childhood. My parent's divorced when I was around 6 and my mom got remarried and I got adopted by my now dad. When my father never wanted to see me or talk to me, I always felt hurt, I was his daughter and I loved him. But over a course of years I began to have hatred in my heart and mixed emotions and not knowing what to do, not knowing who I am, I felt alone. 10 years after I last saw him, I got to go meet him in Germany and got to know him a bit better. This trip didn't go as planned, he got so mad at me and when I asked to see him one last time before I went back to the states, he said "I'll think about it." and slammed the phone in my ear. It has been 7 years since I have seen or heard from him and many years since he has talked to any of his family. He has always been a secretive type, and never has let anyone in. I myself refuse to be like that, I do not want to end up like him, not talking to my family, being alone, it doesn't sound like a good life.
I know that there is life after divorce, but when you are a child of a divorce, you hope that your parents would get back together. But I knew early in life that it wouldn't happen. I had hoped for him to at least try and keep in contact with me and I guess for me to be the special child, the one and only. But as I had found out from my grandfather, I have a little sister, she isn't full blood, but she still shares some of the same DNA, so she is my sister. I don't know any details, age, name, where she is etc. When I heard the news my first reaction was I wanted to cry because I felt abandoned, that he didn't want me so he had a replacement child. I know this isn't the case, but it is how I felt, I mean how does someone feel when that happens? I definitely hurt me and what hurt me worse is my grandmother didn't tell me. It isn't just my father who is secretive, it seems to be my whole family. This is why I feel I am such an open person. I don't want a family that is screwed up, I don't want to be secretive to everyone, I want everyone to know me for who I am, not what I came from.
One day I would love to meet this little girl and if she has the same problems I have, I would love to help her understand that everything will be fine. And if he is raising her, and giving her all his love then I hope she feels loved and I hope she is raised right, but I will never know. I feel like I will never know her and I will ever again see my father. But there is something I can do, I can make a positive out of all these negatives. I can live my life, knowing where I cam from, except it and learn and grow. I can raise a good family and never leave them, always be there for them and give them the love they need, and to always keep family close above all else.
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